Another funny shop name

I still haven't managed to snap those shop fronts in Leeds I told you about - 'Tanzinere' - tanning studio and 'Tile 'em High' - tile wholesalers.

So here's another from t'internet:

shophorror.co.uk. Enjoy!!

New Love!

I have just fallen in love.
My bro' is an out and out gadget freak and he's always updating his gizmos from his laptops & phones to his sat nav. And, he's always telling me how brilliant this or that gadget is and how I should get one. Anyway he's just updated his sat nav and I've inherited his old one which is only two years old and it is Brilliant! Especially as I'm forever getting lost and have a lot of travel to do for work. It also tells you the position of speed cameras and of course there are maps, you can even get it to show you where the nearest hotels, leisure centres and restaurants are. So even though I've only had it a few days (picked it up last Tuesday night in torrential rain, from Sheffield), I've fallen in love with it in a big way, I even have it on when I know exactly where I'm going.
By the way even though my brother thinks I'm mad for naming a gadget - I've called her Suki because she has such a lovely voice, she fits in just fine with Percy (my car).

News Flash

Michael Barrymore has been in the news again. He was asked recently if he'd be doing panto later this year, he said 'No I don't think so, I did Aladdin six years ago and I've never heard the last of it'.

Vagina Monologues@Sheffield Lyceum

Tonight I went with some chums from the drama group & book club (nine of us in all) to see the Vagina Monologues and it was great! Considering that I hadn't felt well all week and had tried in vain to give my ticket away in case I wasn't up to it; and despite the torrential rain and queues to get into and out of Sheffield, I was really pleased that I went. It's laugh out loud funny with suberb acting from Shabna Gulati (from corrie), Sammy Winward (from emmerdale) and especially Lesley Thomas (Dorian in birds of a feather). Some of Sammy's chums from Emmerdale were sat behind us lot and judging by the fact they were laughing louder than us at times it obviously went down well with them too. I'd recommend it to anyone, though obviously women outweighed men in the audience we were at and one or two of the men did look uncomfortable, not so the gay couple in front of me and K who were in hysterics throughout. It's a no holds barred sort of affair that's also very moving and very honest as well as being damned funny so not one to go see with sensitive types who are easily offended by exploring the anatomy of female sensuality in a public setting. By the way K and I couldn't help noticing how very tiny Lesley Thomas is in real life, she really is very petite... just shows you how telly changes one's proportions. Anyway do see it if you're that way out as it's a real treat.

In the land of the blind - The one-eyed man is King

This is my most favourite quote by Mark Twain so I decided to search out some other pearls, read on...
"I've had an absolutely wonderful evening, but this wasn't it" Groucho Marx
"I've been on a calendar but never on time" Marilyn Monroe
"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know, I've done it a thousand times" Mark Twain
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" Gandhi
"A bit of lusting after someone does wonders for the skin" Elizabeth Hurley
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it" George Double Ya
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it" Tommy Cooper
"Time you enjoyed wasting was not wasted" John Lennon
"When you're down and out something always turns up - usually the noses of your 'friends'" Orson Welles
"Money couldn't buy you friends but you get a better class of enemy" Spike Milligan
"The problem with people with no vices is that you can be sure they're gonna have some pretty annoying virtues" Elizabeth Taylor
"Oh, I could spend my life having this conversation - look - try to understand before one of us dies" John Cleese

Country life

Around me there are loads of farmyards and farm animals and in one such place a great freindship began between a beautiful horse and an ordinary chicken. They went everywhere together, best friends, then one rainy day they were having a chat in the field and the horse wandered into a really muddy spot, so muddy that the horse started to sink! 'Quick, quick' said the horse to his best friend the chicken 'Get the farmer to get his car and pull me out, good god I'm sinking... quick' with that the chicken pelted off back to the farm and after a few desperate seconds realised the farmer was not around so she jumped into the BMW and went to rescue her best friend. Once there she tugged with her beak at the tow rope and pushed it towards horse, he grabbed it with his teeth and with chicken behind the wheel she hauled him out. 'You were fantastic' said the horse 'you are my bestest friend in the world and I in turn will always be there for you'. Several days later horse was minding his own business when all of a sudden he heard chicken screaming for help, of course he galloped over immediately where he found chicken drowning in the same boggy trench. 'Quick horse' shouted chicken 'Go and get farmer and his car to pull me out' but horse saw there was no time for that, ' Hang on chicken I have another idea' he said and with that he leant directly over the muddy pool ' Grab onto my thingy' he said and the chicken did. The chicken clung for dear life and was safely removed.
The moral of the story is that if you're hung like a horse you don't need a BMW to pull chicks.

Stop the Bus I want to get off!

Sometimes you're trundling along quite nicely and you suddenly realise that either you're on the wrong bus or that your bus has taken a detour down a very bumpy road. I find this particularly so if you have stroppy younger relatives trying to organise the route for you, they don't realise that the route they've now set you on is as hazardous as it is and kick up a storm when you get the map books out and point this out. Well, I stopped the bus on one little venture and now a storm cloud looms over the household... and of course my new role is 'Wicked Witch of the West' to poor Dorothy with her ruby slippers. Such is family life, no doubt the sun will emerge from the storm clouds, the Wicked Witch will turn into the Good Witch of the North again, and Dorothy will click her ruby slippers and go back to Kansas. And... most important of all peace will reign.
Peace & Happiness to all,
Lizbee

Community News Update

An update on the Dibley'esque Neighbourhood Watch Committee's latest adventures for you. Last weekend we had the annual fundraiser which as usual was bring and buy cake, plant & general gardening stuff stalls on the green. I managed to get rid of, sorry donate, 10 tomato plants that weren't going to make it into my packed greenhouse as I didn't have time to bake for them this year (which is a good thing when I think about it as it means my social life is obviously a lot busier than in previous years). As usual I got there for the start to see what interesting articles my fellow residents had donated and hopefully pick up something very useful for very little. The Major (as Chair) was heading the show with other committee members manning the stalls and setting aside goodies (by hiding them in little corners at the back) that they'd cherry picked from the early donations. I just loved the ensemble on & around the pasting tables and noticed that they'd done the old 'bucket and contents for £1!!' (yes there were two exclamation marks as if to hint that one could hardly believe one's good fortune at spotting such a bargain) trick again and I just had to have a nosey at a few of these buckets. Some of them seemed just full of crap to me but then one woman's crap... anyway one bucket caught my eye and because it had a block paving scraper and a few other small usable tools I decided it was for me even though there was a sticker on it (lower down) that said 'buyer beware - bucket leaks'. In fact all the other buckets had the same message on and I found myself wondering who on earth saves these leaky buckets for this annual event in fact I'd never seen so many leaky buckets in such close proximity to each other before, not one of them didn't leak! so much for the double exclamation marks!!

P.S. I still bought the bucket and contents for a pound plus some plants so a personal success for me and I bumped into one of my fellow NWatch members in the library later and discovered it had been 'THE most successful fundraiser ever' raising around £300 - leaky buckets rock obviously!!

Another long lost poem!

Another offering of my teen-age rambling attempts at poetry:
'Sighted Blindness'
I don't want to look for devils
in the angels that come to my door,
but when my eyes are blinded by beauty
I trust them all the more.
I invite them in and they come round,
eat my food and sprawl around.
I say 'Yes' they can borrow a record or two,
only now I notice they've taken a few.
More fool me, will I ever learn
that true friends take years to earn.